Friday, August 24, 2007

In Which I Feel Better But Apathetic One of the good things about being sick is I get away from the internet. One of the bad things is that, when I feel better, I return to it. When I return, I inevitably feel the futility of it. Virtual
1. Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name: the virtual extinction of the buffalo. 2. Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination. Used in literary criticism of a text.
The truth is, I am seeing how people are using internet communication in lieu of actually talking with me, hearing the nuances in my voice, the inflections in my tone. And even a telephone call cannot replace sitting across a table with a cup of coffee and talking, not only hearing but seeing the other person there. To touch another person not only with words, which are merely abstractions of abstractions, but with a look, a spoken word, a hand, a hug, a smile. These things are lost and my dislike for and distrust of what we have become . . . what I am becoming. Cyberphobia
an irrational fear and dislike of electronic and Internet communications and technology
I reach out to people I love in glib emails and pithy comments and realize that if this is how I am sharing my love then it is not our relationship that suffers but me. I am devaluating myself and my feelings for other people by sharing it in a manner the does not equal my intention, my feeling, and definitely does not reflect the estimation I have for them. I want more and I believe that the people I love want more so why is it we settle so often for less? If we can settle for this in our platonic relationships then why stop there? I can communicate with my children via text messages for free! I can forward them amusing or even provocative emails. That should suffice. They don’t need more from me. And of course there is intimacy. I mean, why bother building a meaningful and passionate relationship with one person when I can have superficial and easy relationships with anyone and everyone? Obviously, I could eventually work my way into all the pleasures of cyber-sex, touching only myself and my keyboard. I am not there yet but then, twenty years ago, I would have never imagined not taking the time to truly write someone personally and allowing a blog or mass email to speak for me. I have allowed myself to become impersonal, even with people I claim matter to me. And, ironically, I am writing this for my blog . . . pouring out my disappointment and despair in the typical manner . . . abstractions of abstractions for someone to read and maybe leave some inane comment about how much my words mean to them and let them think that maybe they know me a little when the truth is . . . they have never seen me smile or heard me laugh or anything that I think matters. I am doing what I hate because that is now what is expected, to do more is above and beyond, so thoughtful, so surprising. But only because that is not how we do it anymore. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m archaic. Maybe it is time for me to realize that this is all that matters. Maybe blogs and emails are all anyone can handle of human reality any more. The rest is a luxury that will go the way of so many other extinct animals that no longer have a place in this world. I certainly don't feel like I fit into this world wide web. Aries Horoscope for week of August 23, 2007 You've been putting out and putting out and putting out, Aries. Good work! I'm impressed with the blend of high-minded generosity and ego-boosting self-expression you've synergized. Now, however, it's time to make a transition. You need to start taking in and taking in and taking in. Your radiance needs to be fed by other radiances. Congratulate yourself for how aggressive you've been, then cultivate an equally robust receptivity.

1 comment:

  1. This entry gave me a lot to ponder.

    thanks for writing it.