Saturday, September 29, 2007
In Which I Have an Overdue Epiphany I realized that I was once again staying in bed even though the weather isn't bad. I started thinking about how often I blame my vertigo on the weather, on hormones, on insomnia. I mean, I blame my "bad days" on these external conditions. Today there are none. I slept very well. I have eaten well. The weather is gorgeous. And I can't blame it on hormones because I am not feeling hormonal. So when you have nothing else to blame on why you are still in bed, your head leaning back and feeling things rolling slowly beneath you, it becomes gradually obvious that there is nothing to blame. I am relapsing. Not dramatically like the day I was fine and then could barely walk to the bathroom in time to throw up. But I no longer have "good" days. My base line for good has shifted closer to where my bad days were and now every day feels bad. I don't want to change my base line. I don't want to redefine my good to be on par with my formerly bad days. I wanted my good days to become my bad days because my good days were getting better. Now my bad days are becoming my good days and a bad day is when I struggle to read and fight the nausea that comes with having vertigo. I thought I was getting better. I was mistaken.