Wednesday, October 03, 2007

In Which I Apologize But Am Not Sorry I apologize for not updating my blog as often as I would like. I am having a hard time adjusting to my new level of vertigo which has, in spite of my hopes and expectations, gotten worse. It is incredibly discouraging. Like walking a path that you thought was going forward only to realize that you are back at an earlier point and you don't even know how long it is going to take for you to get back to where you were let alone where you want to be. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep up with my responsibilities and that uses up much of my energy. But it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I need to feel that right now when I can do so little. I want to clean, to vacuum, to cook dinner. I spend most of my time in bed. So while I do apologize I can't say I am sorry. If I had a choice, if my body were in a different place, if the vertigo would just go away, I wouldn't be writing this post at all. I'd be writing something amusing about my day, about what I overheard, or about what I am writing. As it is, the best I can do is this:
Me: I'm really tired of having bad days. Do you remember when the last time was I had a good day? Rob: Yes. It was about ten months ago.
It doesn't sound funny but I laughed out loud. There is something darkly humorous about the fact that I have reached a point where I think a day I can sit up at a computer for more than an hour is good when, once upon a time, I was being paid to sit at one for 8 hours a day and would still come home and sit at one for more hours, to do more writing. Rob's right. I haven't really had a good day for over ten months. It would be nice to have those days again. For now, I'm having a good day which is worse than it was a month ago becasue I'm worse than I was a month ago.

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