Tuesday, December 11, 2007

In Which I Need a Reboot You know how when your computer was old and you tried to do too much, open too many windows, etc., inevitably your computer would first slow down and then lock up? Too many mixed signals hitting the motherboard at once and STOP! That's me. Yesterday I found out I do not have cervical spondylosis. Yesterday I finally saw the doctors I've been asking my other doctors to refer me to since April. Yesterday I found out one of the tests I took back in March clearly showed something. Yesterday I found out that with six weeks of proper treatment, I will be fine. I am so angry, frustrated, confused, and whatever else that I cannot name right now that I simply cannot think/say anything about anything. I should be happy, relieved, grateful that I will be back to normal by Valentine's Day. And I am. Very. Underneath, however, is a simmering demand to know why, WTF, and what I can do to get some answers. I go in for more tests next week. Then two weeks later I will begin the physical therapy meant to help me with my vertigo. In a nutshell, I am having to reteach my brain how to think. Like a victim in a car accident who loses their ability to speak and has to teach a different part of the brain to process language because the old part has been damaged. It's viral. The physical therapy I will start doing I will have to do to some degree for the rest of my life. At first, aggressively and often. Eventually occasionally but always and forever. For now things are the same, unchanged. But by this time two months from now, things will be very different.


  1. We are angry and bothered that a test in march showed something. Angry that you lived with this for so long when you didn't have to, and we are glad that there is help and that in 2 months your life will be different.

  2. Rob is very angry as well. I am still trying to settle in with the confusion of my feelings. I feel numb, shut down, and overwhelmed that this is about to end for me, finally.