Saturday, February 05, 2011

Pathetic and False

I am not doing a good job keeping up with anything.  The weather isn’t helping and three deaths, none of which affects me or mine directly, in one week is a bit overwhelming.  I am reaching out to one person as best I can from a distance.  The two other deaths are more associates than friends but pausing to express sympathy and extend a kind word . . .

It occurs to me that it is “worse” for my mother who is dealing with 3 hospitalizations and a cancer diagnosis in her life.  Again, not her own directly but the health issues of others, Rob obviously included in this list.

We both seem to be surrounded and overwhelmed, me and my mother.

I’ve written two condolence cards and sent twice as many sympathy emails in less than a week.

Image from this Website
It’s times like these, I want to cut off all my hair.  Seriously.  The urge to shave my head occasionally strikes with an irresistible force but I also know it’s cold and I’d regret it.  So I ponder cutting my hair short, pixie cut short.  I wish I could believe I’d look super cute and terribly chic were I to do so.  Instead, I am convinced I’d look like a boy and probably hate it.

I also know that the worst thing I could do when I’m surrounded by sadness and the stress of other people’s grief is wearing me down, getting any haircut would probably result in my looking in the mirror and saying, “I hate my new haircut.”  Of course I’d hate it even if it’s cute because, when I’m carrying around this sort of self-indulgent misery I’m bound to hate everything about myself.

And seriously, I haven’t lost anyone.  I am not mourning a death so much as bearing witness to the grief of other people.  Consoling one person who is hurting and another person who is grieving and reaching out in cards and emails to still others.

The weather outside reflects the world around me and fuels my emotions.  There is a literary term for this, pathetic fallacy.

That is how I feel–pathetic and false.  I could say so much more but at a certain point I am merely expressing anger about things that I cannot change and really what I should do is cry.  Only, I don’t have time to cry so, in the grand tradition of pathetic fallacy, I let the sky weep for me.

PS:  No comments allowed for this post because I really don't want nor need any sympathy.  I'm doing a fine job feeling sorry for myself.  Tomorrow I'll post something to which you can comment, if you are so inclined, or ignore.  But really, the last thing I need is anyone feeling sorry for me when there is so much real suffering out there to be soothed.  I just wanted to share this because I know others probably deal with these silly pity-parties and I wanted to put my thoughts into words.

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