Monday, March 14, 2011

The Politics of Pets and Pussy for the Single Woman

Because a reader requested it, I dug up this over a decade old piece.  It was originally written to be a spoken word poem for an open mic but as soon as I started reading it I wanted to revise it into a humorous essay.  Unfortunately, I knew if I were to begin doing that, it would be weeks or even months before I posted this at all.  So, lest it be said that I have no follow-through as a blogger, here it is.  I no longer consider this a spoken word poem.  I think I'll just say this is a fleshed out outline for what will become an essay in the future.




The Politics of Pets and Pussy for the Single Woman

Choosing a pet is a political statement
And can make or break your chances
Of finding true love or even getting laid;
So take note and choose well.

The cat is an obvious choice
For the ease of pet-care
But men will assess the future potential
Of the relationship accordingly.
If you own a cat, the man will think
You are either
     Insecure
     Lonely
     Or laid back
What you think of this is irrelevant.
In his mind he knows when you will fuck him.
If you are insecure, you are easy-
You want him so you will give him
What he wants when he wants it how he wants it.
He gets fucked. You get fucked. Case closed.
If you are lonely it will take more effort
And definitely more than one date.
The lonely cat owner always has more than one cat
And the cat to sex ratio increases exponentially.
The more cats the more dates before he will get laid.
Most men simply won't put in the time and energy
Would rather look for someone easier than bother
And the lure of your pussy is outnumbered by
The number of pussies sharing your bed already.
Three or more cats and he won't return
For a second date, nor will he call again.
Three Persian cats guarantees
You won't even be "just friends."
The laid back cat owner may or may not be easy;
She likes the independence of a cat and will
Declare herself equally appealing because she,
Like her pussy, is indpendent, doesn't need
A man to take care of her which is why she
Prefers cats to dogs because they are easier.
No matter how many cats she has the guy
May or may not get lucky because
Pussy is pussy is pussy.

Some women will choose the more obviously masculine pet
A dog.
A woman who chooses a small dog
Also known as "the ankle biter" may as well hide the dog
Hoping the guy never finds out the truth
Or give up hope of ever having sex with a man again.
If a man can step on it and kill it,
he cannot take the dog seriously.
For a man to take a dog seriously
The full-grown canine must be at least 3 feet high on four legs
Weigh at least 30 lbs before eating a full meal.
However, if the dog on its hind legs is taller than the man
Or outweighs him, the dog is a threat to the man and
You will have the two of them fighting over you.
While this may thrill you as a pet owner to see
Your adorable puppy being jealous, the man
Does not want to fight with anything bigger than you
Just to get lucky.
Unfortunately, even with the perfect dog
Sex becomes complicated if you own one.
If you have a cat, having sex with the cat in the room
Is of no consequence although having a feline staring
While you are writhing can take some getting used to.
A dog, however, knows its master, or mistress, as the case may be
And the master, or mistress, must always be on top.
Men do not mind this if the dog is yours because then
If the dog is in the room, you must always be on top.
This hinders variety, automatically leaving many positions
Out of the running, especially doggy style.
If the dog is his, then the man must always be on top
But then you can go back to doing it doggy style.

A snake is both good and bad.
For some men, the snake is an erotically suggestive pet,
Especially if you are an exotic dancer by trade.
Then the snake is definitely a plus. However, some men
Will take certain connotations from the length, width, etc.
Of the pet snake as either a positive or negative comparison
The morning after. Given that you can never know how a man
Will interpret a snake, they are best left off your list.

Fish are not pets.
They are room décor, a channel-less television
Meant to relax the owner. You are trying to arouse the man
Not put him to sleep, remember this.

Any pet which is a rodent-
Rabbit, ferret, gerbil, hamster-
Is merely vermin
Easily exterminated
Easily ignored.

Reptiles are confusing. Women don't normally like
Lizards, frogs, and such. Insects, such as spiders, are simply
Not a rational pet for the average woman.
If you get a reptile or insect for a pet
Prepare yourself because you will attract
The freaks of the dating community.
This may or may not work for you, depending
On how kinky you really are in bed.

Finally, if you are a single woman
Do not get a bird for a pet because
In a man's mind a bird is merely food
For the cat or dog or snake, if it is large enough.
If you get a bird for a pet
Buy a cage with a lock and make sure the key fits
Your chastity belt because you are not
Going to get lucky anyway.

PS: If you have any pets
Which qualify as livestock
Or any form of barnyard animal
And you meet a man who finds this terribly exciting
Run-do not walk-
To the nearest exit.

2 comments:

  1. Oh I absolutely loved this hun. I laughed the whole time at how true it was. Especially the part about any dog smaller than 3 ft was not a dog.

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  2. This was written before the whole "pets as fashion accessory" phenomenon so I would definitely want to play with the whole pooch in a purse thing.

    Now if only I could stop putting out fires and just enjoy some writing. Instead, I'm stomping out one after the other.

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