Tuesday, September 13, 2011

She's Back . . . Sorta

I confess, I am as surprised as the next person.

First, a friend betrayed my trust, again.  I was shocked, to be honest, although I should not have been the least bit surprised.  The pattern of behavior was evident.  I merely dismissed it; but anger manifests and sometimes people only want to believe the worst.  When it was aimed at me, I looked away, deferring my own anger in favor of her pain.  When it was aimed in a different direction, however, I took offense and now I am trying to process my anger so as not to lash out at someone who is already wounded.  When we choose to believe only the worst in others, when we delight in seeing others in unkind ways, it merely reflects who we are inside, the self-loathing we carry because those who delight in themselves delight in others and in life in general. 

Second, my son moved out of the house in April but it wasn’t until he left, after his short visit, that the reality of his moving out really and fully touched me.  It isn’t that I thought he would come back, tail between his legs or anything.  But with the promised visit on the horizon, his leaving in April felt less permanent, less real, and now he hopes to come home for Christmas.  I would love for it to happen, of course.  I just didn’t realize his absence would be felt differently after his visit.  So the quiet in the house, although he wasn’t here very much or particularly noisy when he was here, was palpable and, when I caught myself tiptoeing past the guest room so as not to disturb him days after he had already returned to Chicago, I realized I was still holding on in some small ways.

Third, the tenth anniversary . . . I just needed to be silent.  I’m not even sure I understand it, frankly. I mean, I’ve written about it all before, posted Jon Stewart’s wonderful Daily Show response, posted images that touched my heart.  I think that every year I’ve done something.  This year, I couldn’t do anything but avoid the media attention surrounding the event and allow myself to be very quiet.

I think the need for silence is waning but I am not eager to disturb the stillness.  I am also ready to begin moving beyond the silence, only slowly.  Very tentatively.  

Comments are closed for this post because the silence is still preferable to the alternative.