Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sometimes Breathing is Enough

Bleh.  Seven deaths since April and I wonder why I’m having a hard time focusing on things. 

The thing is, here I sit, still relatively untouched by death.  My uncle died in June but I never met him.  Not even as a small child.  I know him only through holiday cards sent once a year. 

So the most recent deaths?  The week before last it was our neighbor’s brother who was killed while riding a bike because a woman was texting while driving.  I think Rob said that the driver was nineteen, which adds a whole new layer of emotional complexity.

I love our neighbor.  He is a very sweet man and a joy.  I hate that he’s lost his brother and in such a senseless way.  It’s not fair; not that death is often fair.  (Sorry, Hitler and some others absolutely deserved to die so sometimes death is fair.)  Death is, however, inevitable and I know that my neighbor has the loving support of his husband and family and friends to carry him through this. 

I also hate this for the driver, this young woman who will live the rest of her life with the awareness that she was responsible for someone’s death because of an irresponsible choice she made.  

Just like that.  An instant and lives are gone, shattered, left grieving. 

On the 1st, Rob found out that someone with whom he has worked in the past, a sort-of associate/friend, has cancer and on the 9th he found out the friend is dead.  One week in hospice and gone.

Just like that.

But you see?  Does any of this affect me directly?  Step-father’s cousin dies.  Uncle I’ve never met dies.  Rob’s aunt dies.  Friend’s mother dies.  Neighbor’s brother dies.  Rob’s friendly associate dies. 

It isn’t like any of these touch my heart beyond the compassion and concern I have for those I love.   There is, however, a cumulative effect on how I am coping with my trying to be there for so many people, not knowing what to say and knowing that there is nothing that can be said. 

You can only be there.

And in all of this my life goes on.  I get up and let my yoga hint at what I can expect for the rest of my day.  I try to get as much studying done as I can while also not burning myself out.  And I forget things.  Still trying to get into the habit of using my white board.  In fact, shortly after I post this I’ll be making changes it so I will be better able to see what I hope to accomplish this week. 

One of the things I hope to accomplish is more engagement with my blog and your blogs.  I just didn’t have it in me the past couple of weeks.  If I do manage it, yay.  If I don’t, I’ll try to pick it up again next week and the week after and the week after.  It is something I want to do but it is easy to put what I need to do before what I want to do and then the wants never get done.   

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