Sunday, January 15, 2012

Two Weeks Gone . . .

There were no Wondrous Words Wednesday or Weekly Quotes Posts because I spent over 2 hours trying to make one post "work" and then Rob, hearing my frustration, tried to help and, after more time passed,he said, "The website is fucked up, obviously."  So I gave up.  We'll see how today's post goes.  It really shouldn't take 2 hours to copy and paste content from point A to point B.

In this post I share some things that my offend or at best tax your credulity to its limits.  I ask you to bear with me.  Suspend disbelief and allow my experiences to be true for me.  Not right nor wrong just experiences that are my own.  Okay?  Okay. 

Another week has slipped away.

I’ve been participating in a yoga challenge but about halfway through the week, I stopped updating things.  Although I’ve been doing yoga every morning, I didn’t record every practice.  I haven’t tracked my meditation time.  I haven’t shared my delicious vegetarian meals.  This morning I had two pears.  Not quite a meal but I ate them with a glass of water that had just a splash of lemon juice in it and something about the two flavors is wonderful.  I would even recommend it.  Maybe not two pears, per se, unless you wake up as famished as I.

This week, I had some solitude and was able to do something that I used to do at the end of every year or at the beginning of the new one.  I did a tarot card spread.  I haven’t done one since 2009 when a friend asked me to do a spread for her and afterwards, when I was alone and I did one for myself.  Something came up that I didn’t like and I didn’t believe to be true.  I chose not to do anymore spreads for myself, presuming that my ability to read the cards for my own life was not quite what it is when reading for other people’s. 

During the summer, I found my cards again, having misplaced them not long after the above experience.  I didn’t do anything with them.  Just put them aside but where I knew I could find them again.  I certainly had no desire nor intention of reading the cards for myself.  Then something happened. 

See . . . the first time I ever did a card spread was before I ever had children and the cards said I would give birth to twin boys.  So when I gave birth to a girl, I pretty much thought that tarot cards were not my thing.  Even later, when I gave birth to twins, I didn’t reconsider the cards.  I had already thrown or given them away, I can’t remember now.  In any event, it wasn’t until 1998 when I was working at a Borders where a tarot card reader was doing her thing that I ever had another spread done.  Only, I was skeptical, especially when she asked me if I was planning on taking a trip any time soon.  I said I was and she said that the trip wasn’t going to happen.  I knew better because I had the ticket under my keyboard at home and I’d even started making a list of the things I was going to bring with me.  Only, as it turns out, my trip was canceled and I never went.

That’s when I bought my first tarot card deck and tried to use it.  I own several now and use only one most of the time because it is the only one that communicates with me.  But doing my own spreads has never been a productive experience.  In fact, it’s more like an exercise in futility because the cards never reveal anything but my own confusion and when I do a spread for myself it’s usually because I am confused.  About something.

However, I would do a spread at the change of year just to see . . . I don’t know what.  Just to see what the cards had to say.  Which is why, when something happened earlier this year, I knew that I would want to do a spread for myself because that thing I hoped wasn’t true and couldn’t be true was actually true.  Which sucks but that’s the problem with doing a tarot spread.  What turns up is not necessarily something you want to see. 

I won’t bore you with the details of the spread I did for myself this week.  It was surprising and not surprising, in the way an unexpected truth will be. In a nutshell the cards said I was (past tense on this) surrounded by a lot of negativity from others, people who were jealous, lying, betraying, etc.  Oddly enough (or is it really?), the year began with my thinking that someone who called herself my friend had believed a rather stupid lie about me for several years. It wasn’t the lie that bothered me so much as her belief.  The year closed with a different friend telling Rob that she had been lying to me (and probably herself) for three years. 

And there it was in the cards—all this hostility and negativity that surrounded my past, things that had moved me from then to now.  The only positive cards in the spread were the future cards.  It is especially remarkable because none of the cards were ill-dignified (reversed) and I rarely see such a thing in a spread.  After all, there’s a 50/50 chance a card will be upright or upside-down and to have 11 cards come up all facing the way they ought is noteworthy.

What does any of this mean?  I don’t really know.  As I so (too?) typically do, I look at the optimistic future cards and think that of course they are coming up full of good things—I want good things in my life.  If history has shown anything, though, I need to be a little less skeptical about what the cards are telling me.  In fact, I could have saved myself a lot of pain this past year if I had listened to that spread I did in 2009 because I would have ended a friendship sooner rather than later.

Lesson learned.

Addendum

I've had three other people do spreads for me; two at my request and one not at my request.  All three were wrong.   One said specifically that I would meet someone by year's end or had already met someone I would marry.  This was years before I met Rob.  The other two said I would not marry Rob, specifically.  “The relationship you are in now will not last. I don't see you marrying this man who is in your life right now.”  This is why I don’t ask others to do spreads for me.  

I also don’t like to do spreads for other people.  More than once, I’ve had the cards tell me things that the other person didn’t want me to know, I guess, because, after I did the spread, they pretty much avoided me.  Can’t say I blame them, given the things I learned, but that’s why I never offer to give anyone a reading.  It’s just not worth it.  And when I’m asked, I never ever want to know why the other person is asking me for a reading.  The cards tell me more than I need to know and always answer the unspoken question regardless.  

Not knowing the querent's concern, allows me to let the cards speak without my interloping my own desires on the reading.  It’s the only way I can ensure that my own expectations and hopes don’t influence my interpretation.

Now if only I could figure out how to trust the cards when I’m doing a reading for myself.  *sigh*