Sunday, July 29, 2012

Life Happens When You're Busy Ignoring Your Plans

I have been terribly overwhelmed with things of late for no reason I can put into words because there is no one thing.  There are a myriad of little things that all flutter about and cause me to feel overwhelmed and I forget things.  I forget things as evidenced by the fact that I thought I had posted six different reviews and two quote posts and more and guess what?  I never posted them.  But you know that because you never read them.

I am determined to focus.  Somehow.  To that end, I have my white board and I am going to not only put things on there but I am going to cross things off, actively checking it in the morning, afternoon, and again in the evening to make sure I am focusing on what needs to be done. 

Will it work?  Only if I work it and, let’s be honest, it may be a while before it becomes a habit but I simply have to do something.  And you’ll know it’s working if you actually start seeing posts from me.

It could happen.  But it would have to happen between a few other things. 

Things like what? you ask.

Well, my ass is being effectively handed to me as I try to work through this medical billing & coding course. I don’t know where the disconnect lies, why I cannot grasp the content, but for the first time in my life I am not comprehending things when I am truly trying to understand, to do well.  Hours of studying keep me from exercising and I burn myself out pouring over the content in hopes of something clicking.

And nothing clicks.

Then I get up the next day and I try again and again and . . .

Somewhere along the way I signed up for the Fantasy and Science Fiction course on coursera.  I think I have a theme for the first paper (The Female Catalyst:  Women and Girls as Instrument and Impetus for Change in Grimm’s Fairy Tales) but will I find the time to write it?   I guess I’ll know soon enough.  The paper is due on Tuesday so I don’t have a lot of time in which to make it happen. 

All of the above is resulting in my experiencing insomnia which, needless to say, adds insult to injury.  I find it harder to focus when I am tired.  I’m caught in a horrendous catch-22.  I have anxiety because I didn’t do well on a quiz so I lose sleep.  Then I try to sleep but can’t because I am so worried about how poorly my studies are going.  The next day I try to study but I am tired and it is hard to focus but I have no choice and try to soldier through. That night maybe I get to sleep, tossing and turning a bit, but is better than not sleeping at all.  I shuffle up the next morning and try to hit the ground running only to do poorly on a test, knowing I still have an exam to face . . . and then I can’t sleep because that night I’m freaking out.

So if I sound cranky and discouraged it’s because I am.  I’m ready for the next part of my life to begin but I still have miles to go.  A big fat bah humbug to the past couple of weeks and a raised cup of cheer to today and turning things around.