Friday, January 18, 2013

With the New Year Came Some Surprises

Towards the end of last year, I was pretty certain that the new year would be a certain way.  But you know the saying—Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.  (From Beautiful Boy by John Lennon.)  Well, that’s pretty much how things have been for me with my life happening in spite of my many plans.  I had certain expectations for what my life would look like by January 2013 and the New Year.
I would have passed the certification exam
I would have a job
I would have lost a few pounds
So many things I had hoped to do with the new year’s beginning have been set aside because where I hoped to be was so far removed from where I am today, a little more than halfway through January.

Fingers crossed, February.
For one thing, I failed the certification exam.  Having worked my way through college and never once failing an exam, this was a huge blow to my ego.  I got over it.  I knew I had a choice—retake the exam or just give up altogether.  As luck (or life) would have it, all of this was happening at the same time as my encouraging my daughter to get her driver’s license and cheering my son on with his plans to apply to graduate school.  I lacked the hypocrisy to not live by example.  If I was urging them to do the work to improve their futures then how could I do otherwise?

And, to state the oh-so-obvious, I remain unemployed.  This would not be a terrible thing, because it would allow me to do so much with all of the free time. Only, there is no free time.  I’m back to studying, reviewing the content I had hoped to already have mastered.  It’s all the more burdensome because I now know I’m capable of failing an exam.  I lived for 50 years blissfully ignorant of this reality and somehow I can't wrap my mind around the reality.  I can fail an exam.  I, Satia, am capable of failing a test.  Is it any wonder I feel my entire world has turned upside down?  (And that is not the vertigo talking albeit it could be.)

Ahhhh . . . but the things I think I would be doing if I weren’t studying, even if I were employed, are shoved to the side once again.  Like watching foreign movies or silent movies and a lot of writing and creative self-exploration.  All of this put on the back burner in the meantime.  Well, all except for exercising.

Starting here with
plans to build up.
Which brings me to my not losing weight.  Frustrating.  With the new year came Rob’s renewed commitment to his own health.  When he exercises regularly, he uses less insulin.  With that impetus, he wanted us to exercise together.  I already walk and do yoga; he also walks with me sometimes.  Neither of us does much strength training which is why that is our focus every other day--lifting weights, doing squats--and, for me, this means my being very careful about my balance.  For Rob, it’s a matter of rebuilding muscle mass he lost when the diabetes was eating up his body, before he was diagnosed, when we knew something was wrong but not necessarily what it might be.

That's life, right?  You know something is wrong but you hope it will go away only it doesn't and eventually you are given an explanation.  Knowing why Rob was so sickly at least allowed us to reframe our lives, to rethink how we would live from day-to-day, and plan accordingly.  Albeit, my plans for the new year is what this post is all about and . . .  

Of course, life happened.  I mean, let’s ignore the not having a job and not passing the exam for a moment.  My finger being hurt for days and days was a nuisance above and beyond the rest.  I took advantage of the enforced down time to do some studying, all the while knowing that I was falling further and further behind on my intentions for 2013.  I mean, I had an announcement to make and book reviews to write and all sorts of exciting stuff to share.  But typing was painful and even when my finger was splinted I couldn’t seem to resist the urge to use it which simply added to my frustration.

Once you've gone touch typing, you can't go back!

My finger taped so I would not
exacerbate the pain.
The truth is, I was pretty much laughing at myself.  I mean, honestly, how many ways did my life need to tell me to slow down before I got the message?  Then the laptop locked up, got funky, had to be rebooted several times and I lost over 100 pages of my writing.  Like that.  My backup, unfortunately, was corrupted so when I say that I lost it, I really did.  I had to laugh at how ludicrous it all was.  I couldn’t even type and, for the life of me, I can’t even say why I had the file open.  I don’t even know if the file I had open was not corrupted as well. 

Let me repeat:  I lost over 100 pages of my writing, most of which had been written before I injured my finger.  

Within 24 hours of my loss, I was hit with a minor disappointment which was directly connected to the announcement I was going to make.  Oops.  So no exciting announcement after all.  Hmmmm . . .

I do, however, maintain my sense of humor and have good things happening.  I’m studying (again) for the exam which I’ve rescheduled to (re)take in February.  Rob and I have been exercising regularly in spite of my finger.  I skipped a couple of strength training days and started doing some chair yoga but I wouldn’t and didn’t stop altogether.  Now that my finger is back to nearly being pain free, I am not holding back.  Don't believe me?  Then how are you reading a new blog post from me?  See?  I'm typing!

However, with everything forcing me to slow down, I now feel the pressure to catch up with things to do like I need to:
  • send emails
  • write book reviews
  • do housework
  • spend time with friends
  • study some more
  • and do more
I ask you, What is it going to take to really make me slow down once and for all?

Who knows.  I clearly do not.

In the meantime, I wanted to at least offer a list of the books “to be reviewed” with the intention of also fleshing out some thoughts about two book reviews I posted last week, in connection with creativity and the collective consciousness and such.  Yep.  This is what me, slowing down, looks like.






2 comments:

  1. I just keep coming accross your blog, is your vertigo better? read cortazar, at least for a good mind exercise. spiritlessons.com

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    Replies
    1. Yes you do keep coming across it. The vertigo is constant and incurable and "better" only on a scale of can I bare it today or am I going to end up in bed. I don't know why but I already feel like today I'll be crashing at some point but hopefully not. We'll see how it goes. One of the gifts of having this condition is that I really have no choice but to focus each and every day on where I am in this moment. There are others, of course.

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