Friday, June 22, 2007

In Which Rob Turns 36 Years Old

Today is Rob's birthday. He slept until just past noon. I was up and doing my yoga and qigong before he woke up. He had something to eat and we watched a little daytime television before he left to run some errands. He needs some rear speakers for his car and wants to get his bracelet fixed. This gave me time to try on a dress I had ordered online (I hate it!) and to take a shower and get dressed for our evening out. Dinner and a movie, if all goes well.
In addition to the dinner and the tattoo on his back (images coming eventually), he received a life sized image of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. A gift from my mother. You know . . . even as a two dimensional stand up figure, Johnny Depp is so damn pretty it hurts.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

In Which I Give Up On Repentance

As a part of my Catholic studies, I bought three Bible study books. One is on the theme of repentance so I began with that one. I didn't even make it through the first study before I found myself once again asking, "Why?" Not just once but many times. "Why?" This is how I fell away from the church to begin with and I felt my own resistance emerging. Not repentance. And not the kind of resistance one feels when facing something uncomfortable. Instead, a kind of sadness for where I was at one time in my life. I closed the book. I am still reading the Bible. I'm reading Judith now and feeling the frustration of what I am reading. Blah blah blah blah blah. Just so many words that don't get to my heart, even though I pray prior to opening the book, even though I want something to resonate, if only so I could tuck a pretty little quote into my post or something. Instead, I am again asking more questions and not getting any answers. The same questions I have been asking that never seem to have an answer. At least, not one with which I feel any lasting peace. Just a platitude that, with a little logic and reason, immediately falls apart and not even faith remains. With that said, Marc won a contest writing a haiku. I'm glad we are going to do this writing challenge together. I hope that this will be inspiring for us both. That and the last of my panties collection arrived today so life is good. Now I need to fall in love with a different style so I can start a new collection. My life is so hard. I will continue reading Interior Castle and then read a book by Scott Hahn. I will also try to do the Bible study on intercession. If that doesn't resonate for me, I won't force it. No use in forcing such things.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

In Which I Am Again Stuck With Needles

On Sunday, I wrote about Jeanette Winterson’s The Passion. She is the kind of writer who makes me wish I could write better. I offer the following as an example of her brilliance.

When I left her house some time later, I did not set off straight away, but watched her moving from room to room extinguishing the lights. Upwards she went, closing the dark behind her until there was only one light left and that was her own (67).

This is the type of imagery I adore. Poetically perfect in its tightness. The imagery harkening to Romeo’s proclaiming Juliet to be “the sun” (Romeo and Juliet II:ii) drawing on the reaader's iconic emotion. Absolutely brilliant prose.

Today I had my second acupuncture appointment. I feel dizzy, tired, weak. Not surprising. He used fewer needles this time (top of head, “third eye,” one in each ear, and one on top of each foot) because of the strong reaction I had on Friday. He also told me not to take the conium anymore. Oh well. So much for my being like Socrates.

The other day, I saw a book on writing next to Marc’s computer. I was surprised that he was reading a book on writing and we started talking about his desire to write. I asked him what he wanted to write but he wasn’t sure, just had the desire. I laughed and said maybe he would be like me . . . prolific and all over the place, writing poetry and prose, short stories, novels, and essays.

When I asked him about nanowrimo he said he could never do it because school and work interfered. I completely understood and suggested that maybe there was another writing challenge, one in which he could participate now, while he is not in school. He doesn’t start until August 20th so that left us with July. I jumped to a list of writing challenges I had accumulated and found three options. I showed him the three and we narrowed it down to two possibilities: JulNoWriMo or madchallenge.

I am letting him make the final decision. Either way, we are taking on the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the month of July. I have an idea for one non-fiction book so it will depend on which challenge he chooses. I should at least come up with a premise and outline for a novel just in case he chooses the novel writing challenge and not "just" the book writing one.
As if one challenge were better/easier than the other. Ha!

It will be something for me to do while I continue waiting for the acupuncture to work magic and make my vertigo a thing of the past.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

In Which I Am Able to Walk Again

Today I walked around the house. I have been, since the relapse, toddling, taking little waddling baby steps from one room to the next. But this morning I noticed and then Rob confirmed that I am indeed walking again. We both think that the relapse may have been triggered by the homeopathic treatment I am taking. Rather, was taking as I immediately stopped taking everything the day I collapsed.

Before I was hit with this relapse, I finished reading Jeanette Winterson's The Passion which I enjoyed. I can't say that I loved it. I don't think she had quite hit her stride yet, as this is one of her earlier novels. I can see where she is beginning to go beyond the traditional novel narrative but does not yet trust herself to fly as high as she does in Written on the Body or Lighthousekeeping. Still, she is better than most even when she is not at her best and I would recommend any of her novels to anyone who wants something light to read but has a hint of substance.

Last night Rob and I learned that the dvd player in the bedroom is broken. This puts me at a huge disadvantage because, although I feel better, I am not sure I can handle a full day of hanging out in the great room (sitting up) and I know that I am already feeling the vertigo as I sit here and type this out. I will likely get a lot of reading done today.

In any event, as we were trying to decide what to watch, I said we should watch Girl Interrupted because he had never seen it and "Angelina Jolie is hot and Winona Ryder has those big beautiful eyes."

Rob: She's got the crazy eyes.
Me: No. She has velvet drowning brown eyes.
Rob: She's a clepto and she has crazy eyes.
Me: She had sex with Johnny Depp.
Rob: He had sex with her.
Me: Same thing.
Rob: No. He's prettier than she is.

Johnny Depp is prettier than just about everyone.

This Week's Quotation is from Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss.

Self-knowledge will improve your relationships and ability to communicate. Self-worth will help you find a release from fear and unhealthy attachments. Self-respect and conscious approach to all you do will change your attitude about health and lifestyle. --Suzanne Deason

I have long been an advocate for journaling as a means to know one's self. I encouraged my children and even my ex-husband to keep a journal. From self-knowledge comes a sense of self-worth. Although through journaling I have had to face some of those aspects of myself of which I am least proud, the fears and insecurities I would rather not let anyone else see, I have also come to accept these parts of myself. I come to accept both my light and dark selves, even to the point of valuing these sides knowing that my essential being is actually that point where these two sides meet. And through self-worth we come to self-respect, recognizing our own flaws, opening ourselves to being forgiving of other people's flaws, and honoring one another throughout.

If the Bible teaches that we must love our neighbors as we love ourselves then we must first start from a position of loving ourselves, imperfect, fabulously flawed, and lovable. Above all else, beloved because, only then, can we ever truly love.