
Thomas Merton's Contemplative Prayer was in the pile of books "to be read" as part of my Catholic exploration. I had already started another book but the reading of it was tedious. Typical medieval confessional written by a self-denigrating woman. Blah blah blah. I wanted to like it so much more but mostly I found myself wanting to put it down.
So I did (with the intention to return to it) and picked up Contemplative Prayer. I was a little discouraged by the book initially but after the first few chapters I fell into its rhythm and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it intellectually, not spiritually. I think that is what I am noticing most. These Catholic readings are stimulating me on an intellectual level but not on a spiritual one. Of course, this has always been the way into spirituality in the past. Logically arguing for a belief, defending dogma, catechism responses to prescribed questions . . . all of this been the means to my end before.
Now it just fascinates me in an overly objective manner. I feel intellectual as I read these things but I do not feel convicted nor compelled.
And this is a subjective response to a very interesting book on prayer written by a monk for monks. Curiously, Interior Castle is written by a nun for nuns. I've decided to finish Avila's book before I read Hahn, which is next in the pile.
By meditation I penetrate the inmost ground of my life, seek the full understanding of God's will for me, of God's to me, of my absolute dependence upon him. But this penetration must be authentic. It must be something genuinely lived by me. This in turn depends on the authenticity of my whole concept of my life, and of my purposes. But my life and aims tend to be artificial, inauthentic, as long as I am simply trying to adjust my actions to certain exterior norms of conduct that will enable me to play an approved part in the society in which I live. After all, this amounts to little more than learning a role. The idea of the "imitation" of Christ and of the saints can degenerate into mere impersonation, if it remains only exterior (68-69).