Saturday, September 29, 2007

In Which I Have an Overdue Epiphany I realized that I was once again staying in bed even though the weather isn't bad. I started thinking about how often I blame my vertigo on the weather, on hormones, on insomnia. I mean, I blame my "bad days" on these external conditions. Today there are none. I slept very well. I have eaten well. The weather is gorgeous. And I can't blame it on hormones because I am not feeling hormonal. So when you have nothing else to blame on why you are still in bed, your head leaning back and feeling things rolling slowly beneath you, it becomes gradually obvious that there is nothing to blame. I am relapsing. Not dramatically like the day I was fine and then could barely walk to the bathroom in time to throw up. But I no longer have "good" days. My base line for good has shifted closer to where my bad days were and now every day feels bad. I don't want to change my base line. I don't want to redefine my good to be on par with my formerly bad days. I wanted my good days to become my bad days because my good days were getting better. Now my bad days are becoming my good days and a bad day is when I struggle to read and fight the nausea that comes with having vertigo. I thought I was getting better. I was mistaken.

Friday, September 28, 2007

In Which I Finally Follow Through--A Day Late Due to Celebrating

The following was written on Thursday, 27 September. It was not posted yesterday to give due honor to my 100th post. Yaaaaay! In the meantime, I like to keep my promises so here goes.

I announced last week that I would go ahead and start blogging about my vice of watching America’s Next Top Model and last night Rob and I watched it together. I was not surprised that Mila was voted off. I’ve noticed that the girl who seems the most unable to grasp the comments the judging panel offers is usually the first to go. While Mila was not as completely clueless as some of the previous year's first to go models, it was obvious she wasn't quite grasping the seriousness of what she was experiencing.

Rob and I agreed, in her photo she looks a little like Traci Lords. That she giggled through the chemotherapy hair loss photo shoot, claiming that she looked ridiculous and found it funny, was probably her death knell. If you can't be serious when you are supposed to be dying from cancer, then you don't understand that modeling is all about acting, as Tyra and Co. say year after year. I am not sure about all of that, frankly. I will agree that it is about emoting and being able to convey a mood with a facial expression for certain photos is important. Also, most professional photographers are probably not going to want to listen to you giggle as you try to compose yourself. Time is money, after all, and until you make supermodel status, the photographer probably makes more than the model. Certain the designer and magazine editor paying for the photoshoot make more money!

Tyra announced that this year the model house would be a smoke free house. Anyone who smokes will have to quit. She said that young girls watching the show look up to these girls and the ones on the show have to set an example for the ones watching and aspiring. My first thought is this is not going to be good, knowing that some people get really bitchy when they forsake their addiction of nicotine. I'm assuming it won't be that bad and that the three or four girls who are smoking this year will have been inspired by the truly disgusting images that were created for the photoshoot because the premise was glamorous smoking shot versus reality check. Each girl was made to look hideous, hair falling out, teeth yellowed, faces old, etc. What you can't see in Mila's image above is the mirror in which they cropped in a grusome image of her with her hair falling out, etc. Through which, as I mentioned above, she was giggling most of the time.

Here's a picture of Traci Lords.

In my previous post, I said I am hoping that Heather and/or Lisa make it through to the end of the show. I rarely choose the one girl who will successfully do this but it could happen this year. In the meantime, although Heather is being ripped apart by the girls behind her back, she was the first one called which means that her photo was considered better than the rest. And Lisa was called second, in spite of the fact that Bianca has made it clear that no stripper will ever be America’s Next Top Model.

I am not saying she will be but now that she’s there for one more week, the chances of another lap dance are at least there! However, Heather did not make any geeky comments so I was a little disappointed. I still have hopes she will do so. Of course, the likelihood of this happening would increase if the other girls would stop talking about how weird she is and get to know her.

Aries Horoscope for week of September 27, 2007

Your first assignment is to practice feeling that everywhere you go you are standing on holy ground. Capitalize that phrase in your imagination -- "I AM STANDING ON HOLY GROUND" -- as you move through the world. Your second assignment, which may at first seem unrelated, is to kick your evil twin's ass. Do it tenderly and compassionately, with full awareness that both you and your evil twin are standing on holy ground. But don't stop kicking until you convince your evil twin to take greater responsibility for his or her personal share of the world's darkness.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

In Which It Is Time for a Celebration

Believe it or not, this post you are reading is my 100th post in blogger. Well, actually it is my 100th post in this particular blog. Seeing as how I have other blogs, I am actually over 100 posts.

But for this blog this post is my 100th post!!!

You are reading the 100th post!

Aren't you excited? See how I give you much reason for rejoicing and the celebrating? So grab a glass, raise it in a toast, then take a sip.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

In Which I Have Another Acupuncture Appointment (12/20) I had my acupuncture appointment today. He’d said we would try to do this for 20 sessions and since today is my 12th . . . we are more than halfway through the treatment and I am still bouncing off walls. Sometimes literally. I have come away with some useful information, however. I have always suspected that I am borderline hypoglycemic. He confirmed that. Today I found out that I am very sensitive to gluten and mildly sensitive to dairy. So I need to make some dietary changes. I don’t have to give up dairy entirely but I need to watch my intake. But gluten’s got to go. No, we don’t think that the allergy/sensitivity is causing my vertigo. It’s just that my body doesn’t need to be kicking into trying to block reactions to what I eat when it has other more important issues with which to deal. He also said that. because the problem is in my liver, I have some anger inside. Not anger about having vertigo. Not anger about being unemployed because of the vertigo. Some anger that is deeply rooted in my past. He wants me to get to the root of the anger, to face it and deal with it, wherever or whatever it is. I suppose I will be writing about things in my journal, perhaps writing some unsent letters. I am also rearranging my reading pile, adding a book that wasn’t there before: Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. I don’t necessarily feel angry. I know that there are aspects of my life with which I am frustrated but I would not have defined these as inspiring anger. Perhaps I am suppressing the anger. On the way home I told Rob that it’s too bad that I’m not an angry drunk because then we could just get me drunk and I could get it all out of my system. He said we could try it anyway, get me drunk, and then push my buttons. Ahhhh . . . Rob’s so good to me. *giggle*

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

In Which I Share a Little Love

Rob says I spoil Romanov. I say he spoils Romanov. I think we can both agree that Romanov spoils us. There is nothing quite so lovely as the adoration of a dog.

I took this picture of Rob and Romanov yesterday. Rob lay down next to Romanov. The black pillow beneath their heads is Romanov’s . . . a black satin pillowcase with a pillow from our bed. Rob would put it on the floor at night. He never claimed it was there for Romanov but inevitably Romanov would find his way to wherever the pillow was and would lie down with his head on the pillow. Eventually the pillow never managed to find its way back to the bed.

So here is photographic evidence of how spoiled Romanov is . . . and how spoiled Rob is . . .

The truth is, yesterday I found out something that really hurt me and today I am still feeling a lot of ire associated with what I learned. It is nice to be able to share something this loving and lovely even in the midst of my simmering rage. Grrrrr . . . but then look! Ahhhhhhh . . .

Monday, September 24, 2007

In Which I Have Another Typical Monday

I am about to take a shower to get ready for my acupuncture. When I get home I'll be tired and in bed for the rest of the day, mostly. Maybe not. He says that I shouldn't be so physically drained after a treatment but then I probably shouldn't be bruised like I am after the treatment either. I am at the point, obviously, where I don't believe that acupuncture is working and maybe I need to try something else. Grrrr . . .

Still haven't heard from the referral place re. seeing a new doctor. Grrrr . . .

But the Colts won yesterday! The other team (Texans) had to play a flawless game if they hoped to win. They started off with an 84 yard return so I almost thought that the Colts would have a hard time of it. Still, they managed to play a good game. Addai, at one point, caught the ball and landed on his back but did this kind of wiggling, squirming move to get a few more inches onto where he landed. I said it was cute, what Addai did. Rob just glared at me and reminded me that football is not cute. This is my second time saying that something a player did is cute. So the Colts are now 3-0. Yaaaaaay!

(Rob's team lost. We won't talk about that.)

As for losing, I'm not. I'm not gaining either. I was losing for a bit but stopped and gained and now I am back to where I was before I gained but still over where I want to be and . . .

And I need to get moving if I hope to be ready when Rob shows up to take me to my appointment.

This week September 24 through September 30

You start afresh on Wednesday, as the Full Moon in Aries takes place in your sector of self and how others view you. If you've recently found that you are burning too many bridges, or that your approach to people may have an abrasive quality, you'll soften your approach and make an effort to state your case in a way designed to win converts. After all, your sign gives you more zest, zip, and enthusiasm than anyone has in the universe, and you attract a lot of attention through your ability to take charge of any situation. You also have a lot of innate style and flair when it comes to how you present yourself. Thursday, Mercury enters Scorpio and your sector of psychology, and you do some serious analysis of yourself and your motivations. You begin to learn who you really are in your innermost sector, and that will allow you to make better decisions in your journey along your life path. You have so much to offer the world, and as you learn why you feel and act the way you do you'll present yourself in the most optimum way possible.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

In Which I Have Decisions to Make Decisions or commitments, depending on how you look at things. The critique group went very well yesterday. Exhausting but wonderfully encouraging. A small group will be splintering off to focus on working on novels. Great. I have two rough drafts completed and one 2/3 done. The question then becomes . . . which one do I choose to be my focus for this group? Whichever one I choose will be The One with all that that implies. Months of writing this one novel, focusing on these characters. Living with their story. For at least a year or longer. The three choices are as follows:
  • the novel about my being a runaway (aka melodramatic crap)
  • the story of a marriage falling apart due to infidelity (aka narcissistic characters I hate)
  • the story of a teenager who self injures (aka the novel I never finished)
The next decision is how to find a poetry critique group. I found this writing group through (which is also how I found the reading group) but the two poetry groups they have at meetup are not going to work because one is for another ethnic group than mine and the other in Decatur and Rob hates driving in Decatur . . . plus it is not very close to where we live at all. So I am still drifting with the project (aka The Chapbook) that is most important to me at this time, the one I promised myself I would focus on and finish. I am committed to this project. I just need to find poets who meet somewhere other than Decatur. How hard could that be? Very. I haven't found one in nearly five years and I'm still looking. Then there is nanowrimo. I want to participate. I simply need to choose a story and get my ducks in a row. I could just start writing the third unfinished manuscript (see above) all over again. Or I could pick up the interwoven stories idea. Another option would be to write something completely different but since no inspiration has come my way . . . these are the choices I have on the plate as of the writing of this post. So these are the decisions and commitments I need to make and quickly. I have to submit a chapter to the splinter group on October 1. I have to sign up for nanowrimo on the same day and this year I would like to try working from an outline, something I've never done before. (Nano is the perfect time to try something new that may fail or fall apart completely because there really is no better time.) And the chapbook . . . I'd like to have at least the first one done by the end of the year, if possible. Suggestions very welcome! Comments needed! HELP!